After the girlfriend called to inform us of my brother, Kevin's stroke, my cousin and I flew to Atlanta on the first flights we could get that day, it was a Tuesday. We spent the rest of the week spending what time the girlfriend would let us have with Kevin in the hospital. It was like walking in a minefield. We had to visit one at a time - girlfriend's orders. Saying that my cousin detested the girlfriend would be an understatement. But she knew we had to do what was best for Kevin, so she played the game like a champ.
As for me, I had heard all of the horror stories about the girlfriend, but I was trying to form my own opinion of her. I hadn't been involved in the past sagas, so I tried to keep an open mind. And I was trying to respect my brother, because he had picked her and seemed to care for her. I just wanted to ensure that Kevin was getting the best care, and had everything he needed.
By Thursday night, it was obvious Kevin had started his journey home. His vitals were dropping, and the nursing staff kept hovering about adjusting his various IVs of medicine and oxygen with quiet efficiency. I left the hospital that night and knew if wouldn't be long before Kevin was gone from this world. My heart was breaking. And I was helpless to do anything for him.
The next day, my cousin and I were leaving for home and we each wanted just a few minutes to say goodbye to Kevin without the girlfriend hovering. She refused to leave. Even the nursing staff tried to convince her to give us some private time, but she flatly refused. My cousin, god bless her, agreed to the rules the girlfriend set and went in to say goodbye. I will always admire her for that. She even took my phone with her so that she could dial my son's number so that he could tell his uncle goodbye.
I often wish I was more like her, because I sat in the waiting room agonizing on what the right thing to do was. I had put up with the girlfriends crap all week, and let her dictate her rules. But that she wouldn't let me have five damned minutes alone with my brother angered me more than I can describe.
At this point in time, Kevin still hadn't comprehended that he would soon leave this world. He was still planning on a miracle, and the girlfriend kept encouraging that. He tried to say, "what's the problem, I get better?" But the rest of us, including the nursing staff, knew that was not the case. I spent the time while my cousin was in his room with him agonizing over what the right decision was. Was the stupid dysfunctional family pride kicking in with me? I'd watched it affect others in the family my entire life. My cousin came out, you could tell it had been very rough on her. She told me the call with my son had been very rough, and my son had been sobbing as he tried to say goodbye. I'm grateful to her that he got to say his goodbyes. I, however it happened, and why ever it happened, had reached a decision. I had reached my limit of grace. Kevin was entitled to live his own life and leave this world on his own terms. But I also had rights, and I was done putting my own needs and wants last. I was not willing to bend to her terms. I could not, would not, be dictated to, any more. I was going home.
My cousin told me to call "my people" and discuss my decision with them. The nurse talked to me and tried to sway my decision. My cousin said she just wanted to make sure that I wouldn't have regrets later...
I stood up and said, "It's time to go catch our planes." And I walked toward the elevator. As my cousin and I rode down the elevator, not much was said. What could you say? It was a horrible and painful experience. As we got off of the elevator on the main floor, I looked down the long corridor toward the front entrance of the hospital. The sun was shining through the front doors and there in the middle of the golden glow I saw something VERY familiar...
Sitting at the greeter station at the front doors, was a middle aged man wearing a Patrick Mahomes jersey in the middle of Atlanta Falcon country! It may sound corny, but I was instantly at peace. It felt like a sign to me. Some of the best memories Kevin and I had made were all of the Chiefs games we had gone to over the years. Our love of the Kansas City Chiefs was something that no one could ever take from us. It had endured throughout all of the things that had separated us.
On our way past the man, I stopped and put my hand on his shoulder and complimented him on his jersey. We had a brief conversation about Mahomes and the Chiefs and I thanked him for helping me more than he could ever know. As we walked out of the hospital, I told my cousin that although others might not agree with my decision, I was at peace with it. We got in the car and headed for the airport.
She was flying into Omaha, and I was flying into Kansas City, so we had different gate assignments. As we said our goodbyes at the airport, we both agreed if nothing else good came of it, she and I were able to reunite after long years of separation. And despite the reason we were in Atlanta, we managed to find moments of laughter and fun. Kevin would have liked that.
I left Atlanta without the opportunity to spend any alone time with my brother to give him a hug and tell him I love him. I will never forgive the girlfriend for that. And she will answer to a power much higher than I some day. There was simply no excuse for that cruelty.
When I left Atlanta, I was resolute. Kevin had made his choices, the girlfriend had interfered and taken over and cut the family out completely. Life goes on. She kept texting updates over the weekend, like nothing had happened. I did not respond.
On Monday, I had knee surgery and went home to recuperate. On Tuesday, she called. Kevin had had another stoke and now the hospital was wanting instructions on whether to put Kevin on a ventilator. She said it was a family decision and what should she do? What??!! You keep us from him, drag him half way across the country and NOW you want us to make a decision? Seriously? What in the hell is wrong with this person?
But it was about what was best for Kevin, and that came first. There were no happy outcomes for him, and a ventilator would just prolong his suffering. If you never have to make a decision to end a loved ones life, count yourself lucky. It's the most painful decision I have ever had to make. Even though I knew it was the right decision, my brother was suffering, it was gut wrenching.
A couple of hours later, I got a call from the girlfriend, and I could hear Kevin in the background. He was yelling a guttural sound - and he sounded in extreme distress. She asked if I would talk to him as she was unable to get him to listen to her or make eye contact. She said he seemed to be looking beyond her. She put the phone on speaker phone and I started talking to Kevin.
I asked him if he was seeing someone, he calmed and seemed to try to say, "yes". I asked if it was Mom and Dad, he grunted a frustrated "no". The girlfriend asked if he saw his Uncle. (More on that story in a later post.) He grunted "no." Where my next thought came from, I'll never know. But suddenly I asked, "Kevin, are you seeing Reno?" And he calmed and grunted in a wistful tone, "yes..."
Reno, Kevin's boxer. The closest thing he ever had to a child. Reno was his pride and joy. I bought him for Kevin as a puppy, and they were inseparable for many years. Reno died just months before Kevin left for Omaha, and we had him cremated. I was shocked to hear that Kevin still had Reno's ashes when he died. He had lost everything else, but the autographed Derek Thomas jersey I had bought him for Christmas one year and Reno's ashes. That's how special this dog was to him.
Now at the end of his life, he was seeing his dog, waiting for him. I about lost it. I said, "Oh Kevin, it's time. Reno is waiting for you. He's been waiting a long time. It's all going to be OK, you can let go now. Don't be scared. Go be with Reno and Mom and Dad. I love you, I'll miss you. Save me a seat OK? I'll see you all soon."
I proceeded to talk about Reno, and said that I had found a photo of Reno and I would text it to his girlfriend so she could show it to him. I reminisced about some of the crazy things Reno used to do. I told the story about Reno riding in the Can Am UTV with me after his heart problems were diagnosed and he could no longer chase the Can Am like he had for years.
After a few minutes, his girlfriend took the phone off of speaker and said that Kevin was sleeping peacefully.
He slipped away in the middle of the night. His girlfriend called me to tell me he was gone and said he passed peacefully. I have to pray that is true. And I am so grateful that I could help him find peace at the end of his life. His girlfriend acts like she knows everything about him. But she had a couple of brief years with him, while his family was with him his entire life.