Why does it always have to be about everyone else?

After Kevin passed away, there were some very raw emotions being felt. I tried to organize a memorial for him, but I literally could not get all sides to come together. I do not blame my family who had watched what Kevin's girlfriend did for several years. They had their own valid reasons for not wanting her anywhere near Kevin's service. She had caused countless problems and pain for them in the past.

In addition, my son literally verbally lashed out at me and blamed me for not letting everyone attend and grieve. He called me petty and egotistical. He didn't even stop to listen to the facts of what was happening. His venom was irrational and out of bounds. He accused me of pushing him away? Huh? He had made his choices almost a year earlier and walked away. How was I suddenly pushing him away?

I was shocked that he would pile on more pain without even hearing my side of what was going on. Apparently, according to Kevin's girlfriend, my son's girlfriend had been texting back and forth with Kevin's girlfriend and they determined that I was the bad guy. How convenient... According to Kevin's girlfriend, my son's girlfriend told her to watch out for me and that I was a big bitch and out to get everyone. Wow, talk about stirring things up at a time when emotions and hearts were already breaking. That doesn't seem to be very supportive of the person you profess to love? But completely what I had always suspected about the person my son chose... seems I was correct. But that brings me little comfort.

Sadly, I felt I had taken the high road with my son throughout Kevin's illness. Even though we had been estranged for months, I reached out to my son to tell him about Kevin. How did that work out? Well, he and his girlfriend ended up joining us for breakfast. He didn't ask if I minded, or if I wanted time with my brother alone, he just shows up. And then he introduces the girlfriend as his wife! Wow, that was a body blow, which is exactly what his girlfriend had planned. But I held it together, because we were there for Kevin. That could, and should have, been handled much more maturely, but therein is one of my son's main issues. The world revolves around him.

During breakfast, both women acted like they should be the center of attention. In fact, I commented later on how ironic it was that the two got along so well. A friend of Kevin's and mine was down for the weekend with his girlfriend and they joined us for breakfast. Th3ey commented later about how both women needed to step away from their own agendas and learn to read the room. I couldn't have said it better. My son's girlfriend apparently wanted to rub my nose in the fact they married, and Kevin's girlfriend wanted to prove how committed she was to Kevin's health. Personal agendas both. And the entire time, there sat my poor sick brother... shame on them.

I'm confused as to how a son could marry and not have his own mother there? Or even tell her. I can't imagine marrying without my mom part of it. How does that even feel? Like a part of you is missing? I'd think so. But somehow it's been twisted to be my fault. I'm used to it.

Talk about being under someone's spell. I told my friend that I lost my entire family in two short hours. My brother was dying, my son cut me out of his life and even though he promised he wouldn't -- he took my grandson away and won't let us see each other. Wow... I still am shocked that the polite, caring young man I raised has morphed into the cold, selfish man he's become. He was raised to treat people better, and that life is just too short. But he's lost site of that. He didn't used to be that way. But here we were, and I finally had to ask him to just leave me alone. I just couldn't take any more pain.

But I've learned something after all of these years. And I've learned it the hard way. The person who mediates and tries to get all sides together is usually the one who ends up being the bad guy because EVERYONE is mad at them. By being in the middle trying to negotiate a settlement, no body feels like you are on their side. It's a tough place to be.

So now their appears to be two camps - his family and what I refer to as the Black Sheep Brigade. The Black Sheep Brigade are those that have bought into his girlfriend's stories and have painted his family to be the bad guys. And sadly my son, and my former best friend, seem to be part of that group. (More on that in another post.)

So, I wanted to do something for Kevin, even if it was something small.

Kevin would have turned 59 on the 11th of December, 2022. He left us on November 23rd, 2022. His beloved Chiefs were playing the Denver Broncos on his birthday, and I wanted to at least throw him a small birthday party with family and some of his close friends.

After discussing with my cousins in Omaha, I decided to put together a small birthday party/watch party at a Chiefs bar in Omaha. I took care of everything, I put together the entire event. I would think I'm at least entitled to have something for my own brother without having to deal with people who have nothing nice to say about me. I should have known better... lol!

As it turns out, everyone thinks they are entitled to an opinion and they can't set their own feelings aside long enough to give any thought to other people's feelings. My poor cousin got caught up in the drama. Another cousin decided she was offended by not being told about it, and blamed my cousin. Sadly, that cousin had nothing to do with my decisions and simply came to honor Kevin's memory. Geez... petty, party of one. Why not just ask her about it. But no... block on social media and silence.... What a shame.

And to be honest, I hadn't seen the offended cousin in years since my mother had passed away and there was a falling out of the families for once again petty behavior. Our family... it seems the only thing we do really well is dysfunctional pride and holding grudges over perceived slights. We can't seem to talk to each other, or clear the air, or hear the other's side of things, or simply agree to disagree. No, it's always got to be some big ass drama and no one talks to each other for years! It's ridiculous and childish.

And I've watched countless times over the years, that in the midst of one of these petty dramas, one of the parties dies and the other is left with regrets they can do nothing about. But do any of us learn a thing from those experiences? NOPE. Very sad. Because we all like to think of ourselves as enlightened and above pettiness. But our action seem to say quite something different.

If I can stress one thing... STOP THE INSANITY. Set your egos aside and mend those relationships that are fractured. Truly, if you care enough to be pissed, you obviously cared enough about them to begin with. Life is just too damned short to carry the anger around.

You know, I've wracked my brain trying to figure out how to break the impasse my son and I find ourselves at. I truly have. I'm not being obtuse when I say that I struggle to figure out what I really did wrong in the first place. And that's sad. Because how do you fix something if you're not even sure how it broke?