You may end up being labeled the bad guy!
Or at least that has been my experience.
I have carried this one around for years, and I think it's now time to write it down and move on. I'll keep the names private so as not to intentionally embarrass anyone or dredge up old wounds after all these years. But I do think it is long past time to speak my truth, since I've heard various versions over the years that were no where close to being true. It always surprises me what people will say to avoid an uncomfortable situation, rather than just dealing with it. I my
I had a friend growing up, and we were very close. We were as different as night and day, and yet it seemed to work for us. I was the outgoing and independent one. She had a very controlling mother, who made most of my friend's early life decisions -- including that she would have to marry the man she conceived a child with! The marriage produced a beautiful daughter, who I was godmother to. But that's about the only good thing that came out of the marriage. Both my friend, and her husband were young when they married, and neither was ready. It ended badly, and my friend was divorced and starting over with a small daughter.
However, it didn't take long and my friend was involved in a new relationship and a new daughter on the way. Marriage #2 ended about as badly as marriage #1. But through it all, our friendship was the one solid anchor for both of us. We were as close as sisters, and there's not much we wouldn't do for each other.
My marriage also ended after 10 years, and she was there to help me get through it and define myself again. About that time, she started dating someone new. If husband #1 was abusive, and husband #2 had alcohol and addiction issues - well new guy treated her like a trophy pet. It drove me insane when I first met him. We were literally like two puppies peeing on the same fire hydrant at first.
But over the course of time, he and I found common ground in the business world. We truly came to respect each other. I trusted him to take care of my friend and treat her the way she deserved to be treated.
My mother died very suddenly in July of that year at the age of 60. My world was rocked, and my friend instantly got on a plane and came to do what she could to help me through it. And when she flew home after a couple of weeks, we were constantly on the phone. The plan was to all be together for Thanksgiving at my house in Kansas City. Her girls would come down from Iowa and she and her boyfriend would be here also. The plan was that we would all be together to deal with the first Thanksgiving without my mom.
However, in late October, I got a frantic call from my friend. She told me that she had caught her boyfriend cheating on her! I refused to believe it. I was shocked. It seemed so out of character for the man I had come to trust and respect. But it turned out to be true. After everything we had lost that year that was out of our control, he went and did something that was in his control to avoid. I was devastated at how he had hurt my friend and felt such a sense of utter betrayal. How could I have been so wrong about him?
I opened my home to my friend and told her to come to KC and stay with me for as long as she needed to get her head clear and make smart decisions for her, and no one else. But he came home, she confronted him, he new he was busted and "he cried." Oh please. And then he bought her a convertible! And she stayed.
So now all is right with her world and she still thinks we should do Thanksgiving at my house 4 weeks later. Oh, but don't tell her daughters, she doesn't want them to know. Her daughters were grown by that time. So I'm supposed to sit at a Thanksgiving table with the cheater and pretend like nothing was wrong. I'm good, but I'm just not that good.
I told her that I just didn't have it in me that quickly after the adultery occurrence and I couldn't welcome him into my home and pretend all was good. For his part, he made no effort to contact me to explain himself. I think he knew I wouldn't be so easily swayed. But he didn't even try.
So Thanksgiving came and went. She and I continued to talk on the phone, but it was very uncomfortable. We avoided any conversation that would put us at odds. I could tell that he had decided it was him or me and was putting an all out battle on. Well, I apparently lost that battle because she had planned on coming up to KC to stay for a few days in March of the following year, and one day she just stopped calling me. I never heard from her again.
And it was her life and she was free to make her own choices. It was apparent she had. Although I missed her for years, I accepted her choice. But what really irritated me was when I heard that she was blaming ME for the falling out. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!
Listen, she made her choices, so she should damn well OWN them. I did nothing other than stand up for her. Which is more than she apparently was willing to do for herself. If she was OK getting cheated on, I shouldn't have been surprised. Her value of her own self-worth was always lower than mine was for her.
She deserved better, in my opinion. She was beautiful and charming. And she was very smart, although she hid that side of herself preferring to let people think she was a ditzy blonde. She was anything but. And the only person who didn't believe in her worth was her. I had spent my life watching it.
I often wondered how she explained my sudden absence to her girls. I guess now I know. When my son graduated from high school, I sent her an announcement and heard nothing. OK, fine. Once you diss my kid I guess that says it all.
And I lost my relationship with my goddaughter. Why? Because her mother couldn't let her know that momma stayed with a cheater. Now my former friend is quoting scripture on Facebook like she's holier than thou, and siding with my brother's girlfriend...
I guess bad decisions continue for my former friend. So my advice... Be very careful taking a stand unless you're prepared to lose the one you're taking the stand for when they decide they're not worth as much as you think they are....